As my bare feet touched felt the soft carpet sink between my toes, my legs trembled with each step. Gliding across the floor, I found my way to the bathroom in the darkness of his apartment. The soft yellow light filled the room, and I saw a strange reflection in the mirror. My previously perfect curls were not tangled, and my cheeks were rose colored as my mind filled with anxiety. I stood over the sink and flushed cold water onto my face to calm me down. I felt the cold droplets run down my naked body, bringing me back into my own headspace finally. I had just lost my virginity.

***

I went over to my boyfriend’s house late that night after my shift at this bar that I worked for part-time. I didn’t get there till sometime after 10pm, and he was sitting comfortably on his oddly yellow-colored couch. I quickly pulled my jeans off and tossed on some sweats to join him in a good Netflix binge of some show. My mind was racing as my thoughts wandered through a million “what if” scenarios all relating to sex. I wonder if he was thinking the same thing as me that night, but most likely not with how intently he was watching the TV. His soft hand rested on my upper thigh as tingling sensations soared through my body with eagerness.

His hand suddenly gripped my thigh a little tighter as he said, “You ready to head to bed?” I nodded and he led the way to his bedroom.

Everything looked slightly different to me. This is where it could finally happen, I thought to myself. We went through our nightly routines with pj’s, brushing our teeth, bathroom, etc. I sat down underneath his black, plaid comforter and felt my skin crawl with anxiety. He walked back into the bedroom and smiled so softly at me. His joggers sat just below his hips exposing the thick band of his boxers. I could stare at his body for hours. The light shut off and next I knew his cold hand was pulling me closer to him.

Our tongues danced together while we pressed our bodies together as close as we possibly could. His fingertips traced and tickled along my inner thighs, causing all my muscles to tense. The sheets of his bed started to become twisted between us. In one swift movement, he ripped them off the bed exposing me underneath. He stood up shortly after and his eyes zoned in on my body.

“You’re so beautiful. You know that, right?” he whispered.

I sat up straight in his bed, blushing from his kind words and how exposed I felt. He stood at the foot of the bed and started to climb towards me. His hands brushed against my black lacey panties. I had purchased them a few days beforehand with the hope of wearing them this night. Seems a little silly now, purchasing a specific pair of panties to lose my virginity to… but they gave me the confidence I needed. With a little more foreplay and teasing, I finally decided that enough was enough. He was the type of guy to wait for my word for the green light. I kissed his tender lips and moved mine closer to his neck and then to his ears.

My voice trembled with the words, “I want you”.

He leaned over and opened the drawer to his bedside table – how cliché. I could hear the crinkle of the wrapper as he ripped it open. His movements were smooth and calm. Meanwhile, I was panicking on the inside. The voice of anxiety rang clear in my head for the next 30 seconds. He placed the condom on and rolled back over to me. His hand rested on my left hip as he kissed me gently. I could feel my heart beating throughout my entire body. His biceps flexed as he supported himself on top of me. His kind eyes reminded me how much I loved him. He asked me if I was sure of what was about to happen. I was sure that I wanted him. I was sure that I loved him. I was sure that he was the one I wanted to lose my virginity to. I was not sure of the fact that this was the smartest decision for myself since I knew he was moving across the country in a few weeks. Weighing out the pros and cons quickly in my head, I knew that this was the moment I had waited 21 years for. This was what I wanted for myself. My fingers ran through his hair and I pressed my lips against his. Confidently I answered him, “Yes I’m sure”.

 

I tried to pee right after, I read somewhere that you’re supposed to do this, but was still just so wound up from the evening. It felt like I was in the bathroom for a long time, I didn’t want him to think I was hiding. When I returned, he was sitting straight up in bed with his bedside lamp on. If I felt exposed earlier, this was definitely me being exposed. I quickly walked around the bed and tossed my shirt on. I sat down at the edge of the bed, still shaking.

“Are you okay?” He asked, breaking the silence between us.

I felt like I wasn’t, but I realized that I was more than okay. I had just shared one of the most intimate experiences of life with the first man I had ever truly loved. I was happy and felt full of life. Looking over my shoulder, I answered “I’m okay”.

I laid my head down on his chest and he turned the light off. My body was still shaking lightly with adrenaline and he held me close with each tremble until we dozed off.

I woke up the next morning feeling no different, but completely different at the same time.

XOXO,

The no-longer College Virgin